You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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