i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
