I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
