it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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