allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Im part way to drunk.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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