just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
