I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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