Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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