Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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