if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Randomize
