Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
