I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
