1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
