so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
