Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
