I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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