I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
time to smoke my breakfast
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
