Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
