I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
