You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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