How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
