I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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