oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
