Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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