She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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