i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
