I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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