dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
