Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
