I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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