in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Randomize
