he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize