Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
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