Well douche your snatch and let's go!
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Randomize
