32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
