I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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