I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
