My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Randomize
