Well douche your snatch and let's go!
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Randomize
