No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Randomize