Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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