Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
My ass is underappreciated
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
