wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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