Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
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