I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
