Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
