I accidentally had phone sex last night
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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