God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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