Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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