just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize