I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
The struggles of a small town man whore
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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