I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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