so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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