It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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