I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
