I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
I think I am morally bankrupt
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
