I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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