So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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